Thursday, June 11, 2009


It's true, I know. I'm an addict. I can't help it anymore. I'm sick. Not a day goes by where I don't think about using. In the morning. At work. After work. In the evening. I just can't stop. It's gone to far. I'm lost. It was just a recreational thing before I met her. She was already an addict. Together we just feed our addictions. I set her up in the morning with just enough to get her by until mid-day. She was already an addict. She was.  

I started using when I was just a boy. It was like those shitty anti-drug ads from my youth. I learned it from watching my father. Sometimes I would use his stuff; sometimes he even gave it to me. Just enough to start my day. Then I started using with my friends. We would skip class and go down to a local spot known for being cool. They always had good shit there. Generous amounts for a good price.
Of course, everyone knew what we had been doing when we showed up late to school. But none of us ever cared, and no one ever said anything. It wasn't that our behavior was condoned, yet it was clear that it wasn't condemned either. We were on our own anyway by then. We didn't have any parents. We were free to make our own choices and mistakes. We knew we were lost when were waking up early and phoning it in — making sure they had what we wanted and knowing just when to get there for it. What times we had then. Good times.

I started working at a restaurant, the Iguana Grill. It was really easy to score there. The cooks would hook you up if the management wasn't around. Just a little pick-me-up to help me get through my shift. Those were desperate times. My habit was making me unhealthy. I knew it. Nothing could be done. Still, I wasn't an addict then. I may have had a problem, but I could stop at anytime.

Moving to town from the lake only made it easier to find the stuff. It was really easy in town. Damn near every neighborhood had a place you could score. Especially on the South and East sides of town. They were practically giving it way. I thought I knew where to get the best shit, but some other addict was always there to show me where better shit was. They pointed me to discrete businesses with odd hours. Street corners and shopping strips. Bodegas and hole-in-the-walls. Meanwhile, I was learning how to make the shit at home. I was getting good at it too. Ask anyone. It'll put you on cloud nine.

Yesterday, I knew I had a problem. Yesterday, it hit me. Yesterday, I knew something had to be done. I was invited to a party where they were giving the shit away! They even had a few different kinds of varying intensity, from mellow to really intense. I may have been a little greedy (I mean, it was free). After that, Blackberry and I went out and used some more. Each time was good, but not as good as the first time. It’s never as good as the first time. 

Today, it's all I can think about, though. Where am I going to get it, how am I going to do it, when am I going to get it, what type will I get? Who has the best shit around here.? I'm down South where there are so many options. I can't blame her though; she was already an addict when I met her. She even told me I feed her habit. Oh what joy to see her smile as I cook the stuff for her.

One of these days it may get the best of me. What if I don't like it anymore? What if just doesn't do it for me anymore? What if I can't feel anything?

If it does get the best of me, then so be it. I guess I knew what I was getting into the whole time.

I just can't quit you.


amenity said...

Awesome. Are those pickled onions??? We need to sync up on the latest and greatest carts someday.

Kevin said...

To physically overcome death--is that not the goal?--we must think unthinkable thoughts and ask unanswerable questions. Yet we must not lose ourselves in abstract vapors of philosophy. Death has his concrete allies, we must enlist ours. Never underestimate how much assistance, how much satisfaction, how much comfort, how much soul and transcendence there might be in a well made taco and a cold bottle of beer.

I too, my friend, am an addict.

juancho said...

father says: I always knew you were pilfering my stash, there was guilt knowing you got so strung out so bad, so young. Even now all these years later, you have no self control. Hear now that you and blackberry are headed to the source of the really good stuff, where it is cheaper and better still. Oh, the shame.

TexasDeb said...

And the serpent said to Eve "take, eat, it is the perfect food, one bite and you will know the difference between good an evil for yourself".

As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be.

Siobhan Neile said...

Lileth refused to make tacos. And, well...

Joseph said...

You may try to convince yourself that you have found the ultimate breakfast taco, but you and I both know nothing will ever beat the late great Jim Bob. Stand in awe of its glutenous brilliance.

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